I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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