please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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