That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
