Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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