the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
