her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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