i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
