So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
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That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
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Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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