i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the day after is always just damage control
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
