so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
