I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.