Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
