If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
