I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
