I didn't shave. On purpose
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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