they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
