I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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