Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
