no, he came in my armpit
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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