she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
