I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
