sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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