if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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