I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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