so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
