Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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