So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
