you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
