my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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