Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
