I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
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Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
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the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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