White coat. Heels.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
