Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
