If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
