I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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