first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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