She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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