Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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