He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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