Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
