Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
