Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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