If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
