I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
