Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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