New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
