haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
