you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
