what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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