I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
