Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's official drugs can't kill me
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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