I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
