i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
