You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
