i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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