It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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